Saturday, 31 December 2011

They're Ggggrrrreeeeaaattt! the words of a cereal advertising tiger. Frosties that is.

Yes it's that time of year when money is tight and so I love receiving the annual freezer bill for the Frosties. £300. Bargain! I guess £100 each doesn't sound as bad. But the timing truly is shite. There you are full of the festive spirit (amongst other things!) and a big fat reminder of all the crap and evilness drops onto the doormat and also hammers the bank account too. Merry bloody Christmas!

The irony of these wee chaps is that the real likelihood is that we will never get to use them. If I continue being the goody-two-shoes that I have been for the last 37 years of my life, then we listen to the Drs and wait 18-24 months after finishing chemo before we consider starting a family. That's what we did last time and after 12 months the evilness decided to ruin the party. And so here we are again. We very briefly discussed whether we pay the freezer bill as it seems like more money down the drain (let's not even mention the £6000 it cost to make the Frosties in the first place). However as Darrell said - they are hope. Simple as that. They are potentially our future albeit only about 3-4 cells each but even so. It pickles the mind some what when I think that their gender is already determined. How mad is that. It generally is too huge a concept that I can't let it enter my mind too often as inevitably what sneaks in behind it is the fact that someday we may have to make the decision to let them perish. How the fuck do you decide that about your babies; your future; your hopes and dreams?

Just when you thought the evilness couldn't take anything else away. Bastard.

Sunday, 25 December 2011

Merry Christmas

... to everyone. I hope you are with the ones you love and that you have a lovely day xxxx

Sunday, 18 December 2011

It just gets better

I'm still reeling from the somewhat shocking, but quite frankly, fucking fabulous news that at the moment I have kicked the evilness into touch. I have had a celebratory glass of fizzy pop which went straight to my head due to me not having drunk a drop since the evilness came back. Brilliant.

Anyway, on Thursday I got a text message from one of my bestest friends, who lives in New Zealand. She has unfortunately also been battling with the evilness for the last 4 years. She has had multiple surgeries and has just finished 6 months of chemo. Ironic that we were both enduring the kick-ass drugs on opposite sides of the world. But if looking for the silver lining, at least we could support each other, and our partners also had someone to compare notes with.

Anyway, I digress. Her text was to tell me the bloody brilliant news that her latest MRI scan was clear. She too has told the evilness to piss off. I am absolutely over the moon. It has been a dreadful year for us both and it is just wonderful that we have both gone into remission at the same time. We can see in 2012 in a much better way now and kiss 2011 goodbye.

Truly the best Christmas present ever. Love you and miss you loads S xxxx

Haagen-Dazs, Leicester Square - just like old times

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Holy crap!

OH. MY. GOD. I am in shock.

So evilness Dr starts the appointment with lots of "How have you been?" niceness. Part of me wanted to carry on the chit chat to ward off the inevitable. But the other part just thought GET ON WITH IT!

Anyway my PET/CT scan was completely clear. The SOMETHING in my liver is metabolically inactive which makes it much less likely to be evilness. So 6 weeks ago I was told I have liver cancer and now it seems that is not the case. FUCK. They think it may be a fatty growth. Fine by me!

And as for the sneaky tumour in my pelvis that was left behind after my last op, and that doesn't show up on a normal CT scans, is also not there either. So at the moment I am cancer free.


I am stunned. I was fully prepared for the badest news and I get this. SHIT.

So no more horrid drugs for now and then an MRI in february and an ultrasound which can differentiate fat from nastiness. And then we see. But the good thing is that the kick ass drugs were actually kicking ass so we can use them again if it comes back.

I haven't felt like celebrating Christmas because of these results. And now we have had this amazing news. It is still really hard though because of my wonderful father in law. We found out last week that he now has evilness in his spine and so started radiotherapy today. I know how hard it is hearing that someone else has had great news whilst you are battling with shit. You are thrilled for them but insanely jealous. Man this disease is an evil bastard.

But for now i am going to just think about the fact that I have kicked it's arse for the second time. So there.


So - today is the day. Results. The day where I stop being in limbo and find out what the next step is. The day where I find out how totally crap my life may be.

It's really hard to stay positive but I have to try.

Appointment isn't until 6.30pm so long day ahead. Sigh.