Saturday, 27 October 2012

Holiday = Over

Why can't things just be straight forward? Why can't I just have a 2 week holiday and then come home and go back to work?

Because my life is simply not like that. And sometimes it pisses me off.

The last few days of the holiday I was getting increasingly more breathless and more frustrated with how unfit I felt. So I made a plan to get my bloods checked when we got back, so if I needed a transfusion that could be done on saturday and we still had sunday to enjoy.

One crazy drive later and a walk to oncology (without vomiting or passing out) I am told my Hb is 6.5. Fuck. It has become a slightly odd game that Darrell and I play - called, very imaginatively "guess the Hb level". I have the slight advantage as I know how shit (or not) I feel but hey, sometimes I'm allowed a head start. So I went for 7 - not bad eh?!

However 6.5 is very nearest the lowest I've ever been (6.4) and not good as my last transfusion was 2 weeks ago. Anyway - plan was for 4 units, 2 each day of the weekend. Plan royally buggered.

I have to admit that at this point I sat and cried. Not ideal in the Oncology department but sometimes I have just had enough. Sometimes I just want a break. It's bad enough needing transfusions virtually every fortnight but to bugger up an entire weekend is crap. I want to be normal. I want to be able to plan to return to work on monday, without something coming along that threatens that. Let's be honest - I just don't want to have cancer and all the shit that goes with it. Mind you, who does?

So 3 units down, last one tomorrow. Lovely Dr Evil came in and asked the nurses to give the 3rd unit tonight so I can get home as soon as possible tomorrow. Is it inappropriate to want to hug him?

Beach Hut hot chocolate

Spent the evening watching the usual saturday night Strictly and X Factor and sorting my holiday pics. Here are a couple just so I can remember what it was like to feel slightly normal for a while.


Monday, 22 October 2012

Unexpected tears

Sometimes things are ticking along and suddenly BAM. Something happens, or is said or read that totally floors me. Leaves me overwhelmed with emotion - be that sadness or anger.

This evening that happened. A quiet mooch through Facebook announced the birth of an old school friend's daughter. Now that in itself is ok - I'm somehow getting used to the gut wrenching heart break that goes with every pregnancy and new born. Putting my grief aside, I'm always thrilled.

No, what got me was her name.


The name of the daughter I will never have.

How does that get any easier? It doesn't.

Thursday, 18 October 2012

This is the life

Just a quick hello from The Land of the Pasty. I am currently sitting on a very squishy sofa with sun streaming through the windows overlooking the beautiful beach of Watergate Bay.

I am relaxed, eating too much and trying to ignore the evilness. This holiday is well overdue, well needed and providing some respite for the soul. For both of us.

I love it here. I may never leave.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

4 sleeps

.........until we go to the Land of the Pasty for 2 weeks and I can't wait.

It seems a bit daft to need a holiday after having 3 months off work but it's been what can only be described, quite frankly, as a shitty three months. We haven't had a holiday since January so are in desperate need. And it's been FAR too long since we visited our spiritual home.

My mind, body and soul can't wait.

Monday, 8 October 2012


10 days. The longest that I have been out of hospital since July. How crazy is that?

I was finally released last saturday evening after a final stress of making sure my temperature was normal all day. Also on the understanding that I have to keep a temperature chart as if an infection was going to raise its ugly head, it would happen now that the antibiotics have finished. So twice daily I have to check that I'm not burning up again - remembering to not do it straight after a cuppa! And without wishing to tempt fate, so far so good.

My lovely cardiothoracic medic warned me that being home would be much harder than I anticipated. I have essentially existed in one room for the last 12 weeks so living in a house is a big deal. And man he wasn't wrong. Bit of a shock to the system to have to make a cup of tea! I am used to asking some lovely person to sort all my needs. However - I am managing and being a good patient and not doing "too much" - whatever that means!

Today I have taken that to the letter and have spent the day in my PJs on the sofa, under the Quilt of Love! I could get used to this!

Super soft PJs and UGG slippers from Oz - chosen by my lovely brother