Be Prepared

Since I seem to be shedding hair everywhere I thought I should remember my Girl Guide motto (I was an Elf, in case you were wondering!)

I found a fantastic website http://www.randrconfidence.co.uk/ and ordered some great silk headscarves - just in case. I figured if I have to do the whole headscarf thing then embrace it. No boring plain cotton for me - no thank you. I shall mostly be doing the camp Jack Sparrow - I think it is fab! I may well do the whole heavy black eyeliner thing as well if I lose my eyelashes - although I draw the line at the beard!

I shall be ordering more. This summer I will mostly be accessorising my head.

Wanted Dead or Alive

Week 1 - DONE, thank god for that. What a crap week that was. I have spent the vast majority of the week feeling sick, tired, and really spaced out. It has been like the mother of all hangovers - without the good stuff. No crazy-ass table dancing to cringe about. No awesome singing. No. Just feeling like shite. Thanks very much.
My body feels like it has been run over by a bus. I guess that means the drugs are kicking some evil arse - well let's hope so anyway. I had a total meltdown about it all yesterday - bound to happen I guess. The thought of feeling this rubbish for the next 6 months just became all too much. I'm sure once I get into it then I will know when I will feel bad and it becomes more manageable. But let's be real - who the hell should ever "get into" chemo. Jesus - just so wrong.

Anyway - after yet another power nap yesterday, I managed to haul my sorry ass into London to Hyde Park to see Bon Jovi for the 12th time. That was one little battle the chemo and the evilness was not going to win. And man the struggle was worth it. Me and Melly rocked it! The boys didn't let us down. It is insane to think that the first time we saw them was 1995. We do however take things a little easier now! Gone are the days of being at the front of the queue at silly o'clock, to be at the front. Now we rejoice in having space to dance and scream! However - being at the front at the last ever concert at the original Wembley Stadium, is a memory that no-one can ever take away from me. Something to hold onto, no matter how bad it gets.

Anyway - today has been a good day - no anti-emetics - baby steps! Let's hope next week I get to be me again. Just Claire. No cancer crap to deal with.

Besides - I have Glee and Take That to fit in next week. Cheesy. Much?

Oh and in case you were wondering how the side effect bingo was coming along. Full House. Bugger!

Day 2

It's the start of the "how will I feel when I wake up" rollercoaster. Crap night's sleep due to the steroids - finally dropped off at 4am only to be woken at 6am by Harry coming through the bedroom window with a bird. Joy. So am knackered which won't be helping. Once I get further into the chemo then I should be able to predict which side effect arrives on which day.
Felt mildly nauseous all day so been popping the pills. Hair is a state - been sporting a camp Jack Sparrow headscarf look to keep the mop under control. Can't wait to wash it.
So here I am in chemo again. Sigh. Not a place I thought I would be again.How shit is that? 6 months is looming ahead of me at the moment. I think once I get into the routine of it then that will help. At the moment it is all unknown so I have no idea how many piles of shite I am going to feel. I haven't even had all the drugs yet so god knows what round 2 will bring. Let's just hope it is manageable. On the plus side my brother is flying back from Australia in 2 weeks time so he will be my chemo buddy for round 2 and 3. I miss him so much and this evilness makes the distance seem all the greater.

Defence against the Dark Arts

Sitting here on the sofa watching the genius crap that is Made in Chelsea, feeling like crap! Taken extra anti-emetics but no joy. Hopefully will feel better tomorrow.

So what a day - day 1, round 1 of aggressive chemo. I must say I have a complaint to make to the Trade Description people....Cold Cap my arse........Fucking Freezing Helmet is a better description!

This is clearly NOT a cap! Minus 5 degrees is NOT cold. Surely the appearance and the ice on my hair after sporting this look for 5 hours should indicate that all descriptive terminology is somewhat misleading. I demand a refund!
However this ordeal is in a vain (see what I did there?!) attempt to save my hair as losing it is a real possibility this time. I know it isn't the end of the world but I have spent the last 37 years covering up my sticky out ears so it's a look I am keen to avoid. And as if the freezing, sorry cold, wasn't bad enough - my hair was covered in conditioner beforehand and I can't wash it for 24 hours - I am a crusty nauseous mess! Gorgeous. Still I get to sleep on silk pillowcases now - how posh am I?
So day 1 DONE. Who knows what the next 2 weeks will offer up - we have mouth ulcers, constipation, diarrhoea and nausea to look forward to. Maybe I should play side-effect bingo! Altohugh a full house is not a good thing in this game.

The Last Lost Weekend

So it all starts/ends tomorrow. What a really depressing thought. I feel great yet tomorrow and for who knows how long, I am going to feel (and probably look) like shite. Tremendous.

But we have had a fantastic weekend in Wales. Packed up the car on Friday night and off we went. Walking on the beach;rock pooling; laughing and finished off with a trip to Skomer Islamd today to see the puffins again. I don't know if I will get to see them again this season as I'm not great on boats at the best of times - let alone with a body full of chemo! All in all it was a great weekend - a good way to try a forget about what is looming tomorrow.

Mind you this would have been easier without having to do a 24 hour urine collection. I mean, seriously, do Drs invent tests to make you lose even more dignity? Who needs a bottle of wee in their fridge? Or to have to make sure they have a bottle with them all day to collect it in. On a positive note I have successfully mastered the art of the she-wee. A work of genius. If I make it to the Bon Jovi concert in Hyde Park on saturday, it will come in very handy!

Anyway enough rambling. I am shattered after all the walking today and my sunburnt face is glowing. Ironic that I look healthy considering what tomorrow brings.

Wiggly Returns

Hurrah the drugs worked and the whole event is a bit fuzzy. No total memory block but better. Run over by a bus would be a fair description of how my right chest feels. Very odd to be able to feel the tube under the skin. So that's it - Mrs Wiggly has taken up residence about an inch from my right nipple - bit too close for my liking but what ya gonna do?

Also was measured for my cold cap - I have a big head apparently. Is that a good or bad thing, I'm not sure! Doesn't sound much fun being minus 5 degrees on my head, but if it helps me save my hair then it has to be worth it. Ironic isn't it that I have spent the last year growing my hair back - I have curls that I never had before and more hair than I have ever had. So time for the evil drugs to try and take it away. Bugger. This whole episode in my life seems full of cruel blows. But hey, who knows what it might grow back like - I may end up like Ronald MacDonald. Maybe I will supersize that!

Counting Down

A week to go.

A day of procedures and preparation today. Sometimes it feels that is all my life has become - probably because it is true. Check up on how my kidney is doing - so another blood test. Then the dentist to have teeth cleaned to try and minimise problems during chemo.

I am having my central line fitted tomorrow - that really will feel like the beginning of the real crap. No getting away from it when it is staring right at you every time you look in the mirror. My right boob will have a dressing over it for the next 6 months - how to kill your libido. Stone dead. How shite is that? Mm did I share too much?

So another sedation tomorrow. Painted toenails in preparation! Can't have rubbish looking feet - priorities eh?! I will let you know tomorrow if the sedation does what it should and blocks my memory. It has failed each time so far. Bring on the drugs.

At least I have Glee and Made in Chelsea to keep me amused tonight.

Did I mention that I love crap TV?!

My Best Friend's Wedding

I have 8 days before my chemo starts for the 2nd time. 8 days before my life changes again. 8 days to enjoy myself.

So what better way then to go to your best friend's wedding? Well, without Rupert Everett and Julia Roberts - but hey, you can't have it all! I was determined to attend my oldest friend's most special day, so refused to start chemo until afterwards. After all, we have been friends for 23 years and the evilness is not going to get in the way of that.

It was a gorgeous day and so lovely to see such love and happiness in two very special people. For a few hours I could eat, drink, dance and have fun - and forget the evilness.

It is ironic that I feel and look great at the moment - even though it is still inside me. In 8 days time that will start to change and I am likely to start feeling like shite and probably looking that way too. I have a 30% chance of losing my hair so will look like a cancer victim too. That pisses me off as I have managed so far to just be Claire; me; normal person. Arse. Still I figure hair loss gives me a chance to experiment with some new looks with the aid of wigs. Got to try and find a silver lining somewhere.

Anyway - this is post 1 of my difficult journey. I shall stop rambling now.