Friday, 26 August 2011

Noo Shooz...

....of fabulousness. Courtesy of my amazingly fabulously wonderful hubby. Didn't he do well? He didn't ask me for any suggestions or anything. And he got the size right. He is brilliant!

Thursday, 25 August 2011


Apologies for the delay. Doesn't time fly when you are having fun?! So here I am nearly half way through chemo and man I am feeling it. Me and my bed are very close at the moment - it is ridiculous. I can sleep 10-11 hours a night and still need more. I was warned that this would be happen but the reality is shite. Also the good days are getting fewer. It certainly challenges your spirit this chemo lark.
I saw my oncologist last week to see how I was getting on and to decide whether I was allowed the mid-way break that they had promised at the beginning. The good news is that they are pleased with how I am tolerating the aggressive kick-ass drugs. More good news that I am allowed a break. The crap side was how matter of fact he was with talking about how I am allowed the break because ultimately we are just controlling ths disease "much like diabetes", and that the chances of cure are slim. Also how it is most likely that this is what will take my life. So all-in-all really positive - NOT. I know that is the truth and have known it all along but when you are trying to beat this bastard, you don't need those negative thoughts creeping in and eating away at you. Not surprisingly I had a melt down that evening. Part of me thinking that if my life is really just going to be on and off chemo then what kind of crap life is that? It all seems really pointless. But then I know that really it is the only chance I have. It's just not a very fun prospect. Life truly is an arse.
The best day of my life
On a positive note - me and Darrell celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary on tuesday. 3 is leather and he bought me a fabulous pair of purple Irregular Choice shoes. No prompting from me or anything. He got the size right as well. He is such an amazing man. It has to be said that life has not been great since we got married. We spent our first wedding anniversary filling in IVF paperwork, and have been living with cancer for the last 2 years. Great hey?!But he has been there for me every step of the way. I hate that I am putting him through all of this and that this has meant that the chances of us getting our hopes and dreams are pretty slim. It is just not fair. Still the 23rd August 2008 was the happiest day of my life.

Classy bride me!

First dance
So - tuesday brings round 6 and the half way mark. I get an extra day of feeling normal due to the bank holiday - small mercies. Then only 2 weeks until New York and New England - hurrah! I can't wait as my body needs a break and so does my soul.

Sunday, 14 August 2011

Nips and Bits

So another 2 weeks has flown by. Another 2 weeks of feeling shattered and managing side effects. My oncologists warned me that the fatigue would be hard this time and difficult to deal with. They were not lying. It is quite frankly a bitch - no magic pills make it go away. No tea sorts that out (well a skinny caramel latte does help!). The only treatment here is sleep. And sleep interferes with being "normal". Going to bed at 8pm does slightly impinge on one's social life. Bugger. However, I can't fight this one unfortunately - so sleep I must. I have to listen to my body and do as it says. Getting into bed each night is quite frankly utter bliss. It is the best bit of every day. It does get slightly disrupted when the bloody steroids get their say but still - bed is my friend!

Apart from a lot of sleeping what have I been up to? I have now resigned myself to the fact that chemo week is a right off from the point of view of life. Week 2 is where I live again - so had dinner with lots of friends this week. Great to catch up with such wonderful people. People that have stood by me through all the shite. Not always a given it must be said. Easy to assume that the people you love will stand by you and step up to the mark. It is quite a shock when you realise that not to be the case. Still - at least I know who really matters. True friends are precious and not to be taken for granted. In fact, it is easy to take life for granted and that is one thing that the evilness teaches you. Life is a very valuable thing and I think all of us are guilty for taking what we have for granted. If you are reading this then take a step back and look at the wonderfulness that you have. Give your loved ones an extra kiss and hug tonight. You are lucky.

I managed to see my Marble Polisher this week - we have had a bit of a gap what with one thing and another. For those not in the loop - as a surprise friend that has provided a lot of support, that I didn't expect, told me - "if you don't keep your marbles polished then you risk losing them". So I polish my marbles once a week (usually). She provides me with space to be able to offload, rant, ramble and cry with no agenda. And cry I do, a lot. It usually catches me by surprise every time. But at least I get it out. Important that the evilness doesn't let emotions eat away at me. So out they must come. I usually feel pretty washed out after but much better. My MP is brilliant.

Today brought the start of the photo shoots for the naked charity calendars we are making. It does mean an early start to avoid the general public being nosy and to protect the modesty of the wonderful people that have volunteered. It was really quite amusing to see Dave getting embarrassed and averting his eyes as the dressing gowns came off and everyone got into position. Mind you - he proved quite handy as a model to set up the scenes. This is him being a pregnant woman!
We have many more to do but people are being brilliant. I can't wait to photo the firemen.
Another silver lining me thinks!

Wednesday, 3 August 2011


What a crazy 2 weeks! Round 3 wasn't too bad.
Decided to take advantage of feeling vaguely normal on the 2nd week of each chemo fortnight and booked a week in Rome.
View of the Vatican from Castel Sant' Angelo

Cheeky pic in the Sistine Chapel
We had a great time. Ate lots, walked lots, saw the sights and generally tried to forget the evilness and have some quality time together. It was great to be "normal" and kick back - something we have badly needed. Need to have a bit of a carb break now - bit of pasta and pizza overload! Although all the walking meant I have lost some weight - hurrah! It seems that exercise really does work. Who knew!

Went to my bestest friend's little boy's 1st birthday party the day after we got back. A real mixed emotion day. Lovely as it was his party but heartbreaking for me as they got married the week before us and so we should be in the same boat. And we couldn't be farther from it, and may never get there. Truly the hardest part of this journey it has to be said. My ovaries are still hanging in there which is amazing. They couldn't be arsed last time I had chemo. And we have 3 wee embryos frozen at Hammersmith hospital - that was another emotional rollercoaster to get them. Not forgetting the £6K we had to find. Bizarre to think we have 3 teeny babies sat there - gender already determined, that we may never need or have the opportunity to use. Kinda pickles the mind if you think too much on it. So I tend not to. It's all a bit much for me to cope with right now - so I tend to just pop it all in a box for another time.

Back to earth this week with a bump as chemo round 4 yesterday. Still - that's a third done. Baby steps and all that. Am drinking 2L of water a day as that is meant to help - I assume flushes all the crap out of my system from the kick-ass drugs and mullered evil cells (hopefully!). Still going with the FFH - it seems to be helping, although I am moulting a lot so who knows how much I will lose. I have added to my head scarf stash so am ready if baldiness comes my way - although I will be devastated.

Been a tough few days support-wise - or should I say, lack thereof. Been let down by people that are thinking of themselves and not me. I know it sounds a bit unreasonable of me to feel this way but some people in my life have an amazing capacity to make all my issues, all about them. Tremendous. Sod providing me any support if they can't cope with it. At least my amazing husband and friends are there for me. Horrible how true colours are revealed at times like this.

Anyway, I'm back now, new season of CSI Miami is back (slight closet crush on Horatio!), and have lots of dinners with friends lined up next week, for once I come through the chemo fog. More food. Joy!