Something

There are times when I struggle to stay strong in the fight and this is one of them. There are times when I need a break; to be cut some slack; some good news. It's not too much to ask is it? Well apparently it is.
So I had a routine CT scan on Monday. Pretty crap when they say to you - "you've done this before haven't you?". Yup, 6 scans later I'm familiar with the process. But no-one should have to be an expert in CT scan cancer monitoring.
Anyway, since then I've been in bed feeling shite. It's the first time in all my chemo that I've felt this bad. However the evilness dr thinks I'm just dehydrated so need to drink more. Tricky when you're asleep but hey ho.

So got the CT results last night. All clear HURRAH.

Oh apart from the something on my liver.

Something.

Which when pushed means the fucking evilness has spread to my liver despite the kick-ass drugs. Not good. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

So I am being referred to the liver team at Hammersmith. Joy. We went there for the IVF stuff and it's not the most pleasant place - I mean next to a prison! Anyway, they are going to have a meeting to discuss me and decide what to do. The most likely thing is surgery to remove it and then who knows. It is not great that the evilness is winning the war and there is only one last chemo drug left to try. And it may not be an option anyway as some tumours mutate so the drug is ineffectual. They have tested my tumour but can't find the results. Bloody brilliant. Let's hope they find them.

So that is me. Facing more surgery and a very uncertain future. In fact it feels right now that I don't have a future. It's all a bit dark. I have lots of love and support from amazing people that believe I can beat this. However the reality is that the 5 year survival rate for recurrent bowel cancer is 5%. Pretty shit eh? Hard to stay positive knowing that and given my current situation. Obviously I will just carry on fighting but at dark times like this it's hard to see what the point is. Feeling crappy most of the time for what? I hate the fact that I have to fight to stay alive - something most people just take for granted. No, not for me. It's a massive uphill battle. Why can't things be simple?

Sigh

80's Cheese

Get me - twice in two days! However realised that forgot some good stuff!

Last week I went to see Rock of Ages with my oldest, bestest friend. It is the new 80's cheesy rock musical starring Justin Lee Collins and Shane Ward. It is, quite frankly, bloody brilliant. Shakespeare it is not. Hilarious and full of 80's soft rock it is. We laughed, sang and danced the night away. Amazing for the soul.
And I have also booked tickets for the Warner Brother Studio's Harry Potter tour. Tickets are booked for the day before my birthday next year and I can't wait.

It is a really odd but good feeling to book something for next year. Who knows what will happen after chemo finishes - I am meant to be having another op but not sure when. The plan being to have a look at the evilness - hopefully they will have to look really bloody hard as it won't be there any more! However if it is then they may be able to take more/all out. Who knows. Anyway that is the next step but trying to get an answer on when - well, blood and stone spring to mind! I think sometimes they forget that they tell me how important it is to live life normally - which involves plans etc - but how do you make plans when you don't know when things will be. Ho hum. All makes life more interesting eh? Or something!

Anyway must dash as the ginger-wonder that is Horatio is on now! (puts sunglasses on!)

Bump. Sorry.

Firstly apologies for being AWOL. I guess I kind of forget that people actually read this and that it isn't just me and my mindless ramblings. Sorry.

My excuses for being absent are firstly having an awesome holiday - more of that in a mo, and secondly being back into treatment and thus (who uses that word?!) being knackered so usually in bed by 9pm which doesn't leave much time for creative writing. Talk about back to reality.

Anyway, so the holiday. O.M.G. Absolutely amazing. We were both very much in need of the break - both emotionally and in my case, physically. When you are living with the evilness - well I say living, I mean putting it in its box, and occasionally giving it a little bit of attention, despite it wanting more; anyway, when living with it, you don't realise how much it takes its toll. So I needed some respite and New York and New England certainly provided that.

We had 2 weeks. So we started in good old NYC. Saw the sights, ate the food and oh yes, did a spot of shopping.

My kind of shopping

We were there for the 10th anniversary of 9/11. I found it very emotional being there for that but there was a really positive atmosphere. Real NY positivity. Amazing.

Then off to Niagara we went - in a teeny plane that seated 50. The Falls were incredible. Hard to describe so here is the view from our hotel. I have asked for a refund!

The Falls

Then back to NYC to pick up our very eco-friendly compact car and we drove up the coast to Cape Cod.

Our mini!

A place I have always wanted to visit due to an obsession with Dawson's Creek - many a Sunday morning spent with a very good friend watching it in our PJ's! Good memories. Cape Cod brought a real "back to nature" feel to the trip - beautiful beaches and WHALE WATCHING. Those reading this that know me well, will know that me spending 3 hours on a boat in the Atlantic Ocean in order to see these magnificent creatures was a real personal achievement - helped considerably by the fact that I was dosed up to the eyeballs on a variety of anti-emetics! Totally worth it.

Three Humpback's feeding

Then finally we were off to Boston for the last few days and a real dose of American history. It was a fabulous holiday and just what we needed,

Unfortunately we had to come home! Luckily I had another week of "normality" before treatment number 7. It was lovely to feel normal. I hadn't realised how much the kick-ass drugs affect me until I felt like me again. It was great not to have to wake up every morning and wonder how I would feel, and to get to 9pm and still be awake. It was great to be Claire again - I miss her.

Cheers!

However whilst I may be at the top of the mountain which is great, I still have to go down the other side. And so here I am, treatment 8 was today so nearly 3/4 of the way there. And I still have hair - albeit less of it. So it seems the FFH is worth the pain. Unfortunately my post-last-chemo curls have all fallen out, but amazingly already I have new hair growth - fuzzy stuff on the top of my head. How weird is that? And for those of you that have always wondered but been too afraid to ask - chemo does indeed affect ALL your hair!!!! Thank god there isn't a FFH for that area!

Anyway, I am back and won't leave it so long next time.