Thursday, 27 October 2011

Something

There are times when I struggle to stay strong in the fight and this is one of them. There are times when I need a break; to be cut some slack; some good news. It's not too much to ask is it? Well apparently it is.
So I had a routine CT scan on Monday. Pretty crap when they say to you - "you've done this before haven't you?". Yup, 6 scans later I'm familiar with the process. But no-one should have to be an expert in CT scan cancer monitoring.
Anyway, since then I've been in bed feeling shite. It's the first time in all my chemo that I've felt this bad. However the evilness dr thinks I'm just dehydrated so need to drink more. Tricky when you're asleep but hey ho.

So got the CT results last night. All clear HURRAH.

Oh apart from the something on my liver.

Something.

Which when pushed means the fucking evilness has spread to my liver despite the kick-ass drugs. Not good. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

So I am being referred to the liver team at Hammersmith. Joy. We went there for the IVF stuff and it's not the most pleasant place - I mean next to a prison! Anyway, they are going to have a meeting to discuss me and decide what to do. The most likely thing is surgery to remove it and then who knows. It is not great that the evilness is winning the war and there is only one last chemo drug left to try. And it may not be an option anyway as some tumours mutate so the drug is ineffectual. They have tested my tumour but can't find the results. Bloody brilliant. Let's hope they find them.

So that is me. Facing more surgery and a very uncertain future. In fact it feels right now that I don't have a future. It's all a bit dark. I have lots of love and support from amazing people that believe I can beat this. However the reality is that the 5 year survival rate for recurrent bowel cancer is 5%. Pretty shit eh? Hard to stay positive knowing that and given my current situation. Obviously I will just carry on fighting but at dark times like this it's hard to see what the point is. Feeling crappy most of the time for what? I hate the fact that I have to fight to stay alive - something most people just take for granted. No, not for me. It's a massive uphill battle. Why can't things be simple?

Sigh

10 comments:

  1. Fuck. I am so sorry. I find it hard to know what to type when I see a post like this. But I didn't want to not say anything. I am so sorry you have had this fucking shitty news.

    Clozzer (DW)

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  2. What Clozzer said. I couldn't just read this and then not comment. Fuck cancer.

    Rebecca (EGIB)

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  3. Oh Claire.. i see your comments on FB but never been on your blog before... Donna gave us the link...i want to write something positive and meaningingful but at the moment i have welled up..and i know you would have had plenty of positive remarks.. but Claire my thoughts are with you always... Brenda X

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  4. It is shitty and it is unfair. All we can give you is internet weirdy love and hope that it can help just a little bit.

    Charlotte/PL

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  5. Oh love, it is truly shit. I'm sighing too as I so hoped the chemo was coming to an end and then that would be it for you.

    I wish, wish I could work some magic for you so you don't have to go through all this xxx

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  6. Keep trying. For everyone as well as for yourself. You are wanted, needed, loved, liked, valued.
    Big hug.

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  7. Oh lovely, exactly what Clozzer said, I'm so, so sorry you've had to face this awfulnews. Sending you lots of internet weirdy vibes and love. Kate (Serendipity, DW) xxxxx

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  8. This has made me cry.....you are such a lovely lady and do not deserve to be suffering like this.

    Keep battling Claire, stay strong knowing there are lots of people willing you on who love you.

    I think you are remarkable xxxxxx

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  9. Keep strong Claire, your DW cheerleaders are all cheering you on.

    Thinking of you

    Cosmo xx

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  10. Another one sending you some internet wierdy hugs. Keep think you will be that 5% xxx
    + hammersmith= Westfield shopping so not all bad lol xxx
    Lol spinny xxx

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