Monday, 7 November 2011

The Drugs Don't Work

Just when you get your head around the new plan, it all changes. Aaahhhh.

So I saw evilness Dr last week and got the wonderful news that my liver wants in on the action. Was told to book another appointment for a week later just to make sure I was feeling better as I had been in bed all week. However he said if I was feeling ok then cancel it.
Well, I was feeling better but thought would keep the appointment anyway as we had some questions. In all the liver drama we forgot to ask what the plan was with the sneaky invisible tumour that's in my pelvis.

Anyway turns out the evilness Dr is off that but it's ok as we can see my other one - I'm greedy and have two! So he shows me the scan and I can see the liver badness - sitting right in the middle of my liver next to a massive blood vessel. Great. I mean, why couldn't it just be sat on the edge there, easy to snip off? Oh no, not me, has to be difficult.

So since I last saw evilness Dr, they have had a chat and come up with another plan. Quite when I was going to be let in on this is beyond me, as I could have cancelled the appointment! Anyway - they have decided to stop chemo. Yes, you heard me, stop chemo. Just like that. No more. Now weirdly, if you had told me that I was stopping chemo I would be bouncing off the walls. No more feeling shite. However that was actually the last thing I felt. I think because the reality is that they are stopping the kickass drugs as they might not be quite as kick ass as we thought. A tumour shouldn't grow when on the drugs. So no more chemo for now and then at the end of the month I will have a PET-CT scan to look for more evilness. If it is just in my liver then the surgeons get to have fun and chop it out. If there is other stuff elsewhere then I guess, more chemo. Who knows. It's just a bit scary knowing the evilness is inside me and we are taking away the drugs that might be keeping it at least under some sort of control.

However, I can't focus on that. I can focus on the fact that at least for the next few weeks there are no kick ass, make you feel like shite drugs in my system, and so Claire may be back for a while. I will deal with the scan and the results on December 7th and not before then!

So it's all a bit mind boggling eh? Just get your head around one plan and it's all change. It is all a bit crap really but what can I do? I just have to get on with it. I knew it was likely to pop up in my liver at some point, but didn't expect it just yet. I've been fighting the fight for over 2 years now and it's hard. Hard that every day my mortality is in my face. I mean, really, who at the age of 37 should be wondering what songs to have at their funeral? It's just so wrong but that is the reality of my life. All our hopes and dreams have gone and my only hope is to survive. To make my 40th birthday. How crazy is that? It certainly gives you a different perspective on life but also makes you insanely jealous of everyone else that takes life for granted. My life is on hold right now until December 7th. I can't make any plans as I don't know what they will tell me. Who knows what is next? All I can do in the meantime is enjoy being Claire and enjoy not having the FFH! Bizarrely I have new hair growing so I have a weird fuzzy halo! The things I have to contend with eh?!


  1. Flip, lovely - you certainy don't have it at the easy end of things do you??!!

    Hope the next few weeks of being Claire are as normal and as fun as they can be xxx

  2. Been thinking about you a lot, hope you can do lots of lovely things while on your break from chemo xxx

  3. Enjoy the next month and then worry about plans. Both you and your H deserve time with the real Claire before the next stage of the treatment plan begins. Good vibes and positive thoughts. DW Tanta xx

  4. Small steps - all you can do is focus on each day as it comes. You're in my thoughts xxx

  5. What they all say, one day at a time lovely xxx

  6. Just wanted to say I think you are amazing. Thinking of you
    Ayla (DW)

  7. Good luck today Claire, have everything crossed for you x

  8. Thanks Rachel. I will let you all know what the results are.