Happy New Year

So a new year begins. Traditionally we all think about resolutions and what we hope to achieve over the next 12 months. We also reflect on the year gone by.

2011 - what a year. It started as a year that was filled with hope and positivity. Hell, we even dared to make more long term plans. We were going to start trying for a family in September - having been good and waited the 18 months since finishing chemo. Unfortunately the evilness decided to ruin another family member's party and my wonderful father-in-law got the dreaded diagnosis whilst I was in hospital in March. Before I had my results we decided that if they were "good" then sod waiting til September. However - the evilness had other ideas and I got the news I was most dreading - it was back. And this time the long term prognosis is crap. So the rest of the year was spent going to war once more. Once more trying to kick the evilness.

We had an amazing holiday half way through chemo which was just what our souls needed. Then came the news that my liver was now affected so chemo stopped. But then more tests suggest otherwise. It would appear at the moment I am in remission.

And that is how I start 2012. Remission. Not cured - I haven't beaten this disease. I think everyone thinks that I have and I sort of feel that I am letting them down as that isn't the case. There is a very high chance that the evilness is going to come back - it is really just a matter of when.

So what do I hope for in 2012? Not to lose weight, or give up some vice or other, or go the gym more. No, my hope for 2012 is to make it through the year - alive. To be able to welcome in 2013. I'm sure not something that most people are wishing for - they just take that for granted. Nothing in my life can be taken for granted anymore. I can't really make any plans as it seems that when I do they just get taken away from me. The only hope and dream I have now is to survive.

But what the evilness can't take away from me is the love and support of my family and friends. It is the strongest thing I have and for that I am truly thankful. Without them this year would have been so much more difficult. They give me a reason to go on with this fight. I hope to be able to spend more time with them this year.

So to you all, I thank you. Please stay with me on this journey and please leave comments so I know that you are there! I wish you all a happy and healthy 2012.

It just gets better

I'm still reeling from the somewhat shocking, but quite frankly, fucking fabulous news that at the moment I have kicked the evilness into touch. I have had a celebratory glass of fizzy pop which went straight to my head due to me not having drunk a drop since the evilness came back. Brilliant.

Anyway, on Thursday I got a text message from one of my bestest friends, who lives in New Zealand. She has unfortunately also been battling with the evilness for the last 4 years. She has had multiple surgeries and has just finished 6 months of chemo. Ironic that we were both enduring the kick-ass drugs on opposite sides of the world. But if looking for the silver lining, at least we could support each other, and our partners also had someone to compare notes with.

Anyway, I digress. Her text was to tell me the bloody brilliant news that her latest MRI scan was clear. She too has told the evilness to piss off. I am absolutely over the moon. It has been a dreadful year for us both and it is just wonderful that we have both gone into remission at the same time. We can see in 2012 in a much better way now and kiss 2011 goodbye.

Truly the best Christmas present ever. Love you and miss you loads S xxxx

Haagen-Dazs, Leicester Square - just like old times

Buongiorno

What a crazy 2 weeks! Round 3 wasn't too bad.
Decided to take advantage of feeling vaguely normal on the 2nd week of each chemo fortnight and booked a week in Rome.

View of the Vatican from Castel Sant' Angelo

Cheeky pic in the Sistine Chapel

We had a great time. Ate lots, walked lots, saw the sights and generally tried to forget the evilness and have some quality time together. It was great to be "normal" and kick back - something we have badly needed. Need to have a bit of a carb break now - bit of pasta and pizza overload! Although all the walking meant I have lost some weight - hurrah! It seems that exercise really does work. Who knew!

Went to my bestest friend's little boy's 1st birthday party the day after we got back. A real mixed emotion day. Lovely as it was his party but heartbreaking for me as they got married the week before us and so we should be in the same boat. And we couldn't be farther from it, and may never get there. Truly the hardest part of this journey it has to be said. My ovaries are still hanging in there which is amazing. They couldn't be arsed last time I had chemo. And we have 3 wee embryos frozen at Hammersmith hospital - that was another emotional rollercoaster to get them. Not forgetting the £6K we had to find. Bizarre to think we have 3 teeny babies sat there - gender already determined, that we may never need or have the opportunity to use. Kinda pickles the mind if you think too much on it. So I tend not to. It's all a bit much for me to cope with right now - so I tend to just pop it all in a box for another time.

Back to earth this week with a bump as chemo round 4 yesterday. Still - that's a third done. Baby steps and all that. Am drinking 2L of water a day as that is meant to help - I assume flushes all the crap out of my system from the kick-ass drugs and mullered evil cells (hopefully!). Still going with the FFH - it seems to be helping, although I am moulting a lot so who knows how much I will lose. I have added to my head scarf stash so am ready if baldiness comes my way - although I will be devastated.

Been a tough few days support-wise - or should I say, lack thereof. Been let down by people that are thinking of themselves and not me. I know it sounds a bit unreasonable of me to feel this way but some people in my life have an amazing capacity to make all my issues, all about them. Tremendous. Sod providing me any support if they can't cope with it. At least my amazing husband and friends are there for me. Horrible how true colours are revealed at times like this.

Anyway, I'm back now, new season of CSI Miami is back (slight closet crush on Horatio!), and have lots of dinners with friends lined up next week, for once I come through the chemo fog. More food. Joy!

(Il)Legally Blonde

So I made it to the hair cut that I wasn't sure I would need when I booked it 8 weeks ago. When having the cold cap, oops, sorry, the FFH, you are meant to be nice to your hair. So I am avoiding hair dryers/ straightners, being gentle when brushing it, and sleeping on silk pillowcases (lovely and cool, can highly recommend, and massively reduces explodahead bed hair!). Anyway what you are also NOT meant to do is dye your hair. Now, for those that don't know this, my blondness is erm, slightly assisted with the aid of highlights. I have gradually darkened over the years and am in denial! So I should really be embracing my naturalness - but I have to draw the line somewhere. The thought of letting my roots do their thing, fills me with more dread than going bald. So I relented and we didn't use any bleach and just tints - so a little compromise. I figure, it may increase the chance of it falling out, but at least I will look fabulous in the meantime!
I have also been busy being famous! Get me. Dave, our Best Man, and one of my best friends, is raising money for Bowel Cancer UK and hoping to run the London Marathon. That in itself is quite an achievement as (he is the first to admit this), is one of the least fit people I know. Anyway, he is doing a 24h hairdressing marathon (did I mention that he is also my honarary gay best friend, who is not gay?!)and also we are doing 2 "Calendar Girls" type calendars. We have been interviewed for the local paper and also appear on its website. I will be in print tomorrow - eek.
http://www.maidenhead-advertiser.co.uk/news/article-22308-video-hairdresser-to-hold-24-hour-haircut-marathon-in-gesture-to-friend-with-cancer/
I am really touched and really proud of him for doing this. It makes you realise who the important people are.
Oh yes, and finally, 2 sleeps to go 'til Harry Potter. Excited, much?

Don't Stop Believin'

I find myself on the eve of round 2 of the kick ass drugs feeling good again, knowing that this time tomorrow I shall feel like crap. Bloody marvellous.
It has been a rollercoaster of a fortnight. The kick ass drugs made me feel ropey for week 1 but then on saturday the mist lifted and I was back and haven't looked back since. If it stays like this then I can cope with that. At least I get to be me for 9 days out of every 14 - the evilness doesn't get to take over my life. And that is the most important thing.

Tuesday brought a mad dash to the O2 along with my honarary gay best friend, Dave, to see Glee. A crowd of girls and gay men resulted in a lot of screeming - me very much included in that. Had a blast, singing my heart out to some great tunes. Just what the doctor ordered. They say half of the battle against the evilness is all in the mind, and the attitude. Well if that is the case then the evilness has no chance against me - although it may snigger a bit with me looking like this!

Then last night was the 3rd of the 3 concerts I have attended this week! TAKE THAT at Wembley Stadium. They were truly fan-bloody-tastic. So great to have all 5 of them back together. Live music is something that can't be beaten - singing your heart out with like-minded people. Dancing your cares away. Robbie sang "Angels" and said it was for all those people we have lost, and for those people going through hard times. "Angels" makes me cry when sung live at the best of times but this floored me. The good friend I was stood with at the point, Donna, held my hand. My 2 best friends, Mel and Nats, were also there - I turned to look at Mel, as I had been sitting with her, but had gone to have a dance with Donna on the pitch, and she was waving at me like a crazy thing, and Nats was in the posh seats (we were not!), sent me kisses in a text. I feel very blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. It is so true that you find out who really matters at times like this. My true friends stepped up and have been amazing. Others simply showed their true colours and so are no longer in my life. Simples. Life is too short to deal with what can only be described as aresholes.

 

Anyway - another awesome night was had. I felt alive which at this time is a good way to be. As Robbie says in "Come Undone", - "I'm not scared of dying, I just don't want to". Sounds good to me.



My Best Friend's Wedding

I have 8 days before my chemo starts for the 2nd time. 8 days before my life changes again. 8 days to enjoy myself.

So what better way then to go to your best friend's wedding? Well, without Rupert Everett and Julia Roberts - but hey, you can't have it all! I was determined to attend my oldest friend's most special day, so refused to start chemo until afterwards. After all, we have been friends for 23 years and the evilness is not going to get in the way of that.

It was a gorgeous day and so lovely to see such love and happiness in two very special people. For a few hours I could eat, drink, dance and have fun - and forget the evilness.

It is ironic that I feel and look great at the moment - even though it is still inside me. In 8 days time that will start to change and I am likely to start feeling like shite and probably looking that way too. I have a 30% chance of losing my hair so will look like a cancer victim too. That pisses me off as I have managed so far to just be Claire; me; normal person. Arse. Still I figure hair loss gives me a chance to experiment with some new looks with the aid of wigs. Got to try and find a silver lining somewhere.

Anyway - this is post 1 of my difficult journey. I shall stop rambling now.