Just a quick appointment he said - just to make sure I am recovering well from the chemo. Just to have a chat about my routine bloods. So I wasn't fretting at all.
Mmm how silly of me.
If you remember I was given the all clear on December 7th so I have had a month of thinking I could start to make plans without the cloud of the evilness inside me. Hope is a valuable thing when you are fighting this war. Hope is also a very high place to fall from when the Drs decide to change their minds. Again. Hope is something I don't often have and so when I am given it I hang on to it with every ounce of my soul. So when they change their minds they take my hope away - and maybe just a little of my soul.
Anyway - they have decided that the fatty thing in my liver might not be. It could be a dead tumour. The bottom line is they actually don't know. Now don't get me wrong, I know that medicine is not an exact science and imaging only gives an indication of what something might be. But - and this is a bloody great but - if you don't know then say so - don't say it is all fine. This is my life you are messing with. My hope. My soul.
So I now have to have more tests - more scans to get a better idea of what is going on. There is a big difference between a fatty lump and a dead tumour. Now yes - good that if it is a tumour it is dead - but ultimately it still means that the evilness has got to my liver - and that is not good.
I am now back to trying to get on with my life and I will deal with the results in February when I get them. I can't worry now otherwise the evilness gets another month off of me. But it is hard. It has been a crap few days - another pregnant friend to deal with; Harry my one eared cat, has renal failure; and another friend has been diagnosed with this fucking disease. Luckily hers has all been removed surgically and she doesn't need any more treatment. How wrong is it that I am jealous of her? This damn disease is trying to turn me into a jealous, jaded, cynical person and I hate that. How mad is it to be envious of someone elses cancer? How warped is that? I hate that the happiest moment of a womans life is something that destroys me every time. Is it ever going to get easier to congratulate another pregnancy? Some friends are on their second now. Don't get me wrong - I am thrilled for them but each time it takes another bit of me; takes another bit of my heart.
Will I ever get my turn?
Tuesday 17 January 2012
Monday 2 January 2012
Photo-a-Day
The more observant amongst you may have noticed a few additions to my blog layout - or not!
I have added a link so you can (hopefully) be notified by email when I add a post.
Also for the 4th year I have embarked on my Photo-a-Day project. 2009 didn't go well. I completed it in 2010 but lost my way a bit in 2011. I use it as a bit of a photo diary of my year, but also to develop my photography skills. Also it is a great way for me to meet others with the same interest. I am hoping this will be a more positive year and so my photos will reflect that. I have added a link to my images on the blog too.
My brother has joined my geekdom and gotten the photography bug - so he is doing PAD too. I can't wait to watch his skills develop this year. Mind you his images will be amazing as he lives in Oz - sunshine always improves everything!
Enjoy!
I have added a link so you can (hopefully) be notified by email when I add a post.
Also for the 4th year I have embarked on my Photo-a-Day project. 2009 didn't go well. I completed it in 2010 but lost my way a bit in 2011. I use it as a bit of a photo diary of my year, but also to develop my photography skills. Also it is a great way for me to meet others with the same interest. I am hoping this will be a more positive year and so my photos will reflect that. I have added a link to my images on the blog too.
My brother has joined my geekdom and gotten the photography bug - so he is doing PAD too. I can't wait to watch his skills develop this year. Mind you his images will be amazing as he lives in Oz - sunshine always improves everything!
Enjoy!
A New Angel
Sadly there is another angel watching over us today. Kristian Anderson was 36 and lost his brave fight against bowel cancer at 8am on 2nd January 2012.
Kristian's blog has been truly inspirational.
http://howthelightgetsin.net/
He had a very strong faith and I admire him for this. I find it hard to have a belief in a higher being, especially during this fight. However Kristian's faith kept him strong. He leaves behind a wife and two young sons. Any death is a tragedy but even more so when two boys will now grow up without a father. So wrong and so unfair.
Kristian campaigned successfully for the availability of the drug Erbitux in his home of Australia. It is a new "biological" drug in the war - an antibody against cancer. It is a targeted treatment but as a result very expensive. Thanks to Kristian, Australians can now receive Erbitux.
Rest well Kristian. You are with your Father now.
Kristian's blog has been truly inspirational.
http://howthelightgetsin.net/
He had a very strong faith and I admire him for this. I find it hard to have a belief in a higher being, especially during this fight. However Kristian's faith kept him strong. He leaves behind a wife and two young sons. Any death is a tragedy but even more so when two boys will now grow up without a father. So wrong and so unfair.
Kristian campaigned successfully for the availability of the drug Erbitux in his home of Australia. It is a new "biological" drug in the war - an antibody against cancer. It is a targeted treatment but as a result very expensive. Thanks to Kristian, Australians can now receive Erbitux.
Rest well Kristian. You are with your Father now.
Sunday 1 January 2012
Happy New Year
So a new year begins. Traditionally we all think about resolutions and what we hope to achieve over the next 12 months. We also reflect on the year gone by.
2011 - what a year. It started as a year that was filled with hope and positivity. Hell, we even dared to make more long term plans. We were going to start trying for a family in September - having been good and waited the 18 months since finishing chemo. Unfortunately the evilness decided to ruin another family member's party and my wonderful father-in-law got the dreaded diagnosis whilst I was in hospital in March. Before I had my results we decided that if they were "good" then sod waiting til September. However - the evilness had other ideas and I got the news I was most dreading - it was back. And this time the long term prognosis is crap. So the rest of the year was spent going to war once more. Once more trying to kick the evilness.
We had an amazing holiday half way through chemo which was just what our souls needed. Then came the news that my liver was now affected so chemo stopped. But then more tests suggest otherwise. It would appear at the moment I am in remission.
And that is how I start 2012. Remission. Not cured - I haven't beaten this disease. I think everyone thinks that I have and I sort of feel that I am letting them down as that isn't the case. There is a very high chance that the evilness is going to come back - it is really just a matter of when.
So what do I hope for in 2012? Not to lose weight, or give up some vice or other, or go the gym more. No, my hope for 2012 is to make it through the year - alive. To be able to welcome in 2013. I'm sure not something that most people are wishing for - they just take that for granted. Nothing in my life can be taken for granted anymore. I can't really make any plans as it seems that when I do they just get taken away from me. The only hope and dream I have now is to survive.
But what the evilness can't take away from me is the love and support of my family and friends. It is the strongest thing I have and for that I am truly thankful. Without them this year would have been so much more difficult. They give me a reason to go on with this fight. I hope to be able to spend more time with them this year.
2011 - what a year. It started as a year that was filled with hope and positivity. Hell, we even dared to make more long term plans. We were going to start trying for a family in September - having been good and waited the 18 months since finishing chemo. Unfortunately the evilness decided to ruin another family member's party and my wonderful father-in-law got the dreaded diagnosis whilst I was in hospital in March. Before I had my results we decided that if they were "good" then sod waiting til September. However - the evilness had other ideas and I got the news I was most dreading - it was back. And this time the long term prognosis is crap. So the rest of the year was spent going to war once more. Once more trying to kick the evilness.
We had an amazing holiday half way through chemo which was just what our souls needed. Then came the news that my liver was now affected so chemo stopped. But then more tests suggest otherwise. It would appear at the moment I am in remission.
And that is how I start 2012. Remission. Not cured - I haven't beaten this disease. I think everyone thinks that I have and I sort of feel that I am letting them down as that isn't the case. There is a very high chance that the evilness is going to come back - it is really just a matter of when.
So what do I hope for in 2012? Not to lose weight, or give up some vice or other, or go the gym more. No, my hope for 2012 is to make it through the year - alive. To be able to welcome in 2013. I'm sure not something that most people are wishing for - they just take that for granted. Nothing in my life can be taken for granted anymore. I can't really make any plans as it seems that when I do they just get taken away from me. The only hope and dream I have now is to survive.
But what the evilness can't take away from me is the love and support of my family and friends. It is the strongest thing I have and for that I am truly thankful. Without them this year would have been so much more difficult. They give me a reason to go on with this fight. I hope to be able to spend more time with them this year.
So to you all, I thank you. Please stay with me on this journey and please leave comments so I know that you are there! I wish you all a happy and healthy 2012.
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