Just a quick appointment he said - just to make sure I am recovering well from the chemo. Just to have a chat about my routine bloods. So I wasn't fretting at all.
Mmm how silly of me.
If you remember I was given the all clear on December 7th so I have had a month of thinking I could start to make plans without the cloud of the evilness inside me. Hope is a valuable thing when you are fighting this war. Hope is also a very high place to fall from when the Drs decide to change their minds. Again. Hope is something I don't often have and so when I am given it I hang on to it with every ounce of my soul. So when they change their minds they take my hope away - and maybe just a little of my soul.
Anyway - they have decided that the fatty thing in my liver might not be. It could be a dead tumour. The bottom line is they actually don't know. Now don't get me wrong, I know that medicine is not an exact science and imaging only gives an indication of what something might be. But - and this is a bloody great but - if you don't know then say so - don't say it is all fine. This is my life you are messing with. My hope. My soul.
So I now have to have more tests - more scans to get a better idea of what is going on. There is a big difference between a fatty lump and a dead tumour. Now yes - good that if it is a tumour it is dead - but ultimately it still means that the evilness has got to my liver - and that is not good.
I am now back to trying to get on with my life and I will deal with the results in February when I get them. I can't worry now otherwise the evilness gets another month off of me. But it is hard. It has been a crap few days - another pregnant friend to deal with; Harry my one eared cat, has renal failure; and another friend has been diagnosed with this fucking disease. Luckily hers has all been removed surgically and she doesn't need any more treatment. How wrong is it that I am jealous of her? This damn disease is trying to turn me into a jealous, jaded, cynical person and I hate that. How mad is it to be envious of someone elses cancer? How warped is that? I hate that the happiest moment of a womans life is something that destroys me every time. Is it ever going to get easier to congratulate another pregnancy? Some friends are on their second now. Don't get me wrong - I am thrilled for them but each time it takes another bit of me; takes another bit of my heart.
Will I ever get my turn?