Living with and fighting cancer becomes a way of life after nearly 3 years.
Tests, results, appointments become part of life. Waiting for results doesn't get any easier. Receiving bad news is always crap.
So getting the phone call to say that on a routine CT they can see that the evilness has returned was devastating. Especially as the night before Dr Evil has told me that the MRI of my liver shows no sign of metastatic disease. So the something in my liver is nothing horrid. I had nearly 24 whole hours of feeling positive and then BAM, more shite.
Yes, recurrent bowel cancer is generally managed and not cured but I can always hope that I would be the one to buck the trend. Well for now, it seems not. Pretty shit that I have only had 5-6 months off of treatment and now I am facing more chemo. My body has barely had time to recover; my hair is just coming back along with comedy curly arm hairs. And now I have to face more kick-ass drugs. It fills me with dread. I still don't actually feel like myself yet and now I have to do it all again.
One teeny bit of good news is that they have tested my original tumour and it means that they can use a very special targeted drug called Erbitux. It is an antibody so much more specific against the evilness and hopefully less side effects. Well ...... apart from the "disfiguring skin rash". Bloody great. It can just be a few spots right through to raw weeping skin. Bloody brilliant. As if chemo doesn't make you feel crap enough without looking hideous too. I know it's vanity but really? Give me a break. I am quite looking forward to the curly eyelashes mind - they sound rather interesting.
So like some sort of nightmarish Groundhog Day, here we go again. 6 cycles at 2-3 week intervals ....initially. So you can betcha they won't stop there. Give me a big op over relentless chemo any day. It is a bit like a Dementor - sucks the soul out of you. It's hard when you know that in all likelihood it isn't going to cure me so I can't help wondering what the point in all the crap is.
Apart from another glitch in the war against evilness, we have tried to do something positive and have moved house. The dreaded phone call arrived 8 days before we were due to complete which prompted a tricky conversation. Do we do it or not? As much as moving and all that that entails was kinda the last thing I felt like doing, I felt that not doing it meant that the evilness wins again. So move we did.
Sod you evilness you are not taking everything from my life. You need to bugger off back into your box. New house. New beginning and maybe a positive start. Who knows. Let's hope so eh?
And the best news ever is that my brother is currently sitting on my sofa! Fan-bloody-tastic. He is here for 2 weeks as a result of this http://www.absoluteradio.co.uk/onair/breakfast/features/one-last-game.html
Sometimes there is some good in amongst all the shite.